I've been thinking about this post for months now. I just don't know how to start it. But I'm finally writing it. And posting it.
I'm not confortable in my own skin.
There. I said it.
I was never slim or skinny. I have always had curves. I probably will have curves for the rest of my life. I know you're supposed to love your body and stuff, but I don't. I hate my body.
I always have.
I just can't seem to get over the fact that this is me, and I should accept it. I just don't like how I look. Sometimes I'll stare at myself in the mirror and think "well, I could look worse" but about 99% of the time, I hate what I see. I'm sure I'm not the only one. And I know I should be more confident. But when I'm walking down the street and someone's walking behind me, the only thing I'll be thinking about will be “Are they looking at me ? They're probably thinking I look horrible.” I mentioned once or twice that when I shop for clothes, I go for black most of the time. And I guess that's because I don't want people to notice me. I would love to dress as boldly as Laurie Keller from Cougar Town, but people will probably stare at me and I can't handle that. I don’t want to draw attention.
But why are looks so important ? I don't want to be model thin. I just want to work on my confidence. But when I see a magazine calling Jennifer Lawrence 'voluptuous' and actually says how tall she is and how much she weighs, I just can't help but think “I wish I were her kind of voluptuous ! What are they talking about ?!” Would they write like that when talking about a man ? Jennifer Lawrence looks fine, and perfectly normal ! Why is her figure so important ? Magazines are always putting pictures of celebrities looking to thin, with captions like “Is she anorexic ? She should eat a burger once in a while” and the week after the same celebrity will be seen with an unflattering top and they go straight to pregnancy rumours. No wonder we're all stressed out about our looks.
Walking into a clothes shop (like Zara or H&M) I always feel uncomfortable. The saleswomen are stick-thin, looking at you, until you leave the shop. I noticed that in H&M, if you're looking for a size L top, you'd better open your eyes and be ready to look to the very back of the rack. They'll have dozens of XS, S or M tops, but they'll have two L and don't even think about looking for an XL, even if the website says they're available.
Why is having boobs, hips and a butt so bad ? A friend once told me “I wish I had bigger boobs, like you” Yeah, but they come with everything else. And then you'll have another friend say they want to go on a diet or something cause her thighs are too big. And you'll be thinking about smacking them across the face, wanting to shout at them “have you seen mine ?!” but you won't. Cause that would be bad. And you don't want to draw attention to yourself.
Welcome to my world.
But back to what this post was about in the first place.
I guess I could have put “work on my confidence” in my resolutions post, because I definitely need to do that. I'll stop reading stupid articles calling people fat when they're not. I'll try to worry less about what people think and care about how I feel more. Yep. Good luck with that.
But I can't be the only one like that, right ?